Velvet Covered Steel? (Pet Peeve #3)

Just call it a penis!

I have to start this post off with a disclaimer: I grew up in a small coastal community, am a biologist and have worked on fishing vessels as a government representative. I've heard every name in the book for male and female genitalia and am fairly desensitized to the wide variety of labels, including the more crass and less savory ones.

But unless you plan to lick it off, why sugar coat it? A penis is a penis, after all! Maybe it's the biologist in me, but when I'm reading a sex scene, I find it amusing when the writer has seemingly gone out of the way to avoid the dreaded P and V words, or even the commonly used slang terms.

Second disclaimer: These aren't so much as pet peeves, as they are points of hilarity for me.

The top two labels for male and female genitalia respectively that throw me into fits of giggles are:
1. Velvet Covered Steel
2. Inner Goddess

As a writer, I can appreciate how difficult writing a sex scene is, and how you don't want to beat a word to death. You can't have: His cock this, his cock that, she did this to his cock, etc, etc, all in a couple of sentences. I get it. I really do. If your sex scene goes on for pages and pages, alternate terms are going to be used. I also get that using the more common slang names might degrade or cheapen the intimacy of the scene the writer has been building up to. I get that, too. But let's be honest: Sometimes, the byproduct of "Writer Ingenuity" is hilarious!

Third Disclaimer: One day, I might very well be guilty of contributing to this "Pet Peeve" as well! Hypocrite? You bet!

What are your favorite funny euphemisms, analogies, alternate labels for male and female "parts"?

For example, one name I've recently heard but haven't read, is "Just-In-Beaver." (*giggle snort*)

Happy writing and reading!


  1. LMFAO! Velvet covered steel?! For real?! I mean, I can understand not wanting to use distasteful terms if one's writing for young adult, but really? We all have them, we all know the wide spectrum of terms they're referred to as, let's just all be adults and call a spade a spade. Great post, J.C. Sharing now.

    1. Thank you Inion and Mathair! I'm glad you found it funny, too. I was giggling to myself while writing it! Thanks for stopping by and sharing. :-)

  2. Fun post! I love how you've tagged "velvet covered steel". lol.

    1. LOL. Me too! You never know what people search for!! Thanks for stopping by :-)

  3. Can we give the Just-In-Beaver to the US along with Bieber himself! I haven't read it either but fear it may be keeping company with the 'velvet covered steel'. LOL

    1. LOL Pat. Sounds like a plan. I fear you may be right as well!


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