Need Advice!
One of the consistent criticisms I've received for Shift Happens, my debut novel, is its lack-luster blurb. I don't want to repeat the same mistake twice. Below is my draft blurb for the second book of the series, Beast Coast. It has to stay under 150 words. It's currently 144 words. Ultimately, the decision and blurb rests in the hands of my publisher, but I'd like to be happy with what I submit.
What do you think? Suggestions? Would you buy the book (assuming UF/PNR is your thing)?
Note: This is an adapting post, so please read through the changes, as some have been made since the original post.
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Original Blurb:
In a city known for its diversity, unique cityscape, and picturesque views of snow-capped mountains and deep blue seas, Agent Andy McNeilly uses her unique ability to shift into multiple shapes to keep a leash on All-Things-Weird for the Supernatural Regulatory Division. But hidden beneath all her forms is a beast whose anger and brutality rivals none.
After meeting the demands of the Master Vampire Lucien, Andy assumes her debt is paid, and she's free to follow her feelings for Wick, the Alpha Werewolf. Lucien has other plans, though, and Andy's troubles have just begun. A new threat challenges those in power, and now, Andy must solve a supernatural mystery to keep Wick safe, deal with the attentions of another man, learn to control the raging beast inside her, and escape Lucien’s shackles before the SRD finds out and terminates her employment...
Or her.
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UPDATE #1:
Okay, so I've received a bunch of feedback on Facebook, email and on here and have drafted some new blurbs. THANK YOU! I really like the opening line of the revised blurbs, but am not sure about the second part. I'd like to work in the SRD and the Beast because they're the two hurdles in the way of Andy succeeding. I also can't give too many details of the plot without leaving major spoilers for the first book (I'm trying to avoid that).
What do you think? Suggestions? Would you buy the book (assuming UF/PNR is your thing)?
Note: This is an adapting post, so please read through the changes, as some have been made since the original post.
**********************************************************************
Original Blurb:
In a city known for its diversity, unique cityscape, and picturesque views of snow-capped mountains and deep blue seas, Agent Andy McNeilly uses her unique ability to shift into multiple shapes to keep a leash on All-Things-Weird for the Supernatural Regulatory Division. But hidden beneath all her forms is a beast whose anger and brutality rivals none.
After meeting the demands of the Master Vampire Lucien, Andy assumes her debt is paid, and she's free to follow her feelings for Wick, the Alpha Werewolf. Lucien has other plans, though, and Andy's troubles have just begun. A new threat challenges those in power, and now, Andy must solve a supernatural mystery to keep Wick safe, deal with the attentions of another man, learn to control the raging beast inside her, and escape Lucien’s shackles before the SRD finds out and terminates her employment...
Or her.
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UPDATE #1:
Okay, so I've received a bunch of feedback on Facebook, email and on here and have drafted some new blurbs. THANK YOU! I really like the opening line of the revised blurbs, but am not sure about the second part. I'd like to work in the SRD and the Beast because they're the two hurdles in the way of Andy succeeding. I also can't give too many details of the plot without leaving major spoilers for the first book (I'm trying to avoid that).
Revised #1
Andy isn’t sure what’s worse, Lucien claiming she has an
unpaid debt, or her inner kitty purring for another man. When a rogue entity
comes to town intent on targeting supes, it might not matter.
Andy must employ her ability to shift into multiple animal
shapes and her “epic” web searching skills to solve a supernatural mystery and
escape Lucien’s shackles. If the SRD finds out about her conflict of interest,
they could terminate her employment…or her.
Revised #2
Andy isn’t sure what’s worse, Lucien claiming she has an
unpaid debt, or her inner kitty purring for another man. When a rogue entity
comes to town intent on targeting supes, it might not matter.
Andy must employ her ability to shift into multiple animal
shapes, her “epic” web searching skills, and a den of male Witches to solve a
supernatural mystery and escape Lucien’s shackles. But hidden beneath all her forms is a beast whose anger and brutality
rivals none.
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UPDATE #2
I also really liked the idea of leading with a tweetable line or tagline and I have several. I've narrowed it down to two, though the second is a bit too long winded, and I worry about it detracting from my opening line (which could also be used as a tagline). Which is your favorite? 1, 2, none?
I also really liked the idea of leading with a tweetable line or tagline and I have several. I've narrowed it down to two, though the second is a bit too long winded, and I worry about it detracting from my opening line (which could also be used as a tagline). Which is your favorite? 1, 2, none?
1. The signs in the zoos saying ‘Don’t Poke the
Dangerous Animal’ never applied to Andy McNeilly.
2. “Whenever I envisioned a life or death situation
where the heroine fought against all odds to save her loved ones, my thoughts
filled with guns, hordes of enemies, blood, guts and some badass combat moves.
Never a bedazzled thong.” – Andy McNeilly
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UPDATE #3
Goals - Find out who's behind the supe slayings, escape Lucien's bond, learn to control the beast inside her
Motivation - could lose her life, her job and/or the man she cares for (Wick). She could also end up the the SRD labs if they find out what she is.
Conflict - she doesn't know who to trust (including Wick), she has little knowledge about what she is, her beast is powerful and there's another love interest lurking in the background. Also, Lucien's ordering her around and there's an SRD agent who's a pain in the ass.
I used the GMC model for my first book's blurb and it came across very mechanical. I'm trying to loosen up and let my writer voice through, but so far, it's not working!
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UPDATE #4
Keep the great suggestions/feedback coming. This is what I'm currently working with:
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UPDATE #3
Goals - Find out who's behind the supe slayings, escape Lucien's bond, learn to control the beast inside her
Motivation - could lose her life, her job and/or the man she cares for (Wick). She could also end up the the SRD labs if they find out what she is.
Conflict - she doesn't know who to trust (including Wick), she has little knowledge about what she is, her beast is powerful and there's another love interest lurking in the background. Also, Lucien's ordering her around and there's an SRD agent who's a pain in the ass.
I used the GMC model for my first book's blurb and it came across very mechanical. I'm trying to loosen up and let my writer voice through, but so far, it's not working!
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UPDATE #4
Keep the great suggestions/feedback coming. This is what I'm currently working with:
Revision #3
Sometimes the greatest danger comes from within…
Andrea “Andy” McNeilly isn’t sure what’s worse, the Master
Vampire Lucien claiming she has an unpaid debt, Wick’s life being threatened, or
her inner kitty purring for another man. When supernaturals start dying in numbers, though, it may not matter.
Andy must employ her ability to shift into multiple animals,
a bedazzled thong, and a den of Witches to solve a
supernatural mystery and keep Wick safe. But hidden beneath all her forms is a beast
whose anger and brutality rivals none.
And she’s pissed.
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UPDATE #5
UPDATE #5
Looking for alternatives to "dying in numbers"
Current alternatives I'm mulling over:
"dropping like it's hot"
"dropping like canaries in a coal mine"
"going down like hookers on a Friday night" (hahahaha. This just cracks me up, but it's probably too inappropriate for a blurb)
I feel the simile needs to read "short" for its position in the blurb.
I'm also worried I've overused the "power of three" in the revision
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UPDATE #6
And she’s pissed.
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UPDATE #6
Revised #4
Sometimes the greatest danger comes from within…
Shape Shifter Andrea “Andy” McNeilly isn’t sure what’s worse: the sadistic
Master Vampire Lucien collecting on an unpaid debt, her potential mate Wick’s
life being threatened, or her inner kitty purring for another man. When supernaturals
start dying, though, it may not matter.
To make things worse, if the Supernatural Regulatory Division discover
Andy’s unwanted tie to the Vampires or learn of her unique abilities, she could
end up in the government’s lab as a specimen…or dead.
Andy must employ a den of Witches, a bedazzled thong, and her ability to
shift into multiple animals to discover who’s behind the Supe Slayings and keep
her loved ones safe. But this recent conflict awakens something within her, an
animal she’s never learned to control. For hidden beneath all her forms is a
beast whose anger and brutality rivals none.
Not that I'm an expert of book blurbs, but I was a marketing consultant for twenty years before taking up fiction writing. Here are a few thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence is really, really long. And you wait until the second half to get to anything that has a punch. Who really cares what the city is known for? You also mention All-Things-Weird. It distracts from the impact because the reader has to spend time trying to figure out what that is. My marketing rule #1 - never make your reader have to think more than necessary in your advertising.
I like the second sentence in the blurb. The second paragraph is a good start, too. I'd try to make it punchier with shorter sentences. If at all possible, give yourself and your promoters a short, tweetable sentence.
Speaking of tweetable, you might also consider giving your blurb a headline. If this were a romance I'd suggest something like "Falling in love with a werewolf has its challenges." The amps could probably be upped on that, but that's the first thing that sprang to mind.
Blurbs are hard. I'm not crazy about my blurbs either. I commend you for putting yours out there for critique. I might do the same thing next go-around.
Great advice Mary Jean! Thank you. I'll play around with it some more. Ultimately, my publisher has the last say, but I'd like to make sure I'm at least 90% happy with it (I don't think. 100% is achievable for me with regards to anything I write. I could always change more! Lol)
DeleteJC,
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph...um...ugh?
Focus on the who and the what for your opening.
"When a rogue big baddie hits town, Agent Andy McNeilly's gets caught in the middle of a big baddie turf war. Alpha werewolf Wick claims her for his own, but blah blah..."
Unfortunately, I don't have enough details to write something that makes sense.
The first line is officially scraped! I'll go back to the drawing board. Great advice. Thank you
DeleteI've updated the post to include two revised drafts. Am I heading in the right direction? I think so...but I think it still needs tweaking!
ReplyDeleteOkay, my ten cents for whatever they’re worth. Someone taught me to think in terms of GMC—what do they want? Why do they want it? And what’s stopping them from getting it?
ReplyDeleteCouple of things. The first line—I agree. I’m wondering what the city has to do with the plot itself. If it serves a purpose in the story, then you might just try to shorten to a couple of words. If it doesn’t really serve a purpose, the I agree. I’d lose that part.
Where it starts with, “Agent Andy McNeilly uses her” is there your blurb really begins. That’s who she is. The line after that is excellent as well. Sounds like conflict. BUT…why is that a problem for her? Expand on that a little bit, give the reader a sense of why that’s important.
This line: “Andy assumes her debt is paid”—what debt is that? What does she owe him?
“Lucien has other plans”—This one’s a bit too vague. What are his plans and why is this a problem for her?
“Andy's troubles have just begun”—Again, too vague, for the same reason as the last one. Spell out what she now has to do for him and why this is a problem for her. This sounds like your conflict, so it’s important.
This line is good: “Andy must solve a supernatural mystery to keep Wick safe, deal with the attentions of another man, learn to control the raging beast inside her, and escape Lucien’s shackles before the SRD finds out”—But why is her getting fired a bad thing? What’s at stake if she does?
I like the last line. I’m wondering if you could combine that last line with the previous one and cut out “and terminates her employment.” She can get another job, but fighting for her life is something readers can sympathize with. It let’s the reader know that there’s something really big at stake for her.
Also, is this a romance? If so, and you’re submitting it to a house (as opposed to self publishing), then be sure to add sneak peaks of the romance in there, too. You know, things like, “While trying not to succumb to Wick’s charms, she has to save his life, all the while trying to control the beast within that wants to rip his head off.” Okay, that’s terrible, because I don’t know the story the way you do, but hopefully get the point. A line like what Mary suggested ("Falling in love with a werewolf has its challenges.") would be perfect.
I also don't know who your hero actually is. I'm assuming this is in just her POV? If it's in both, what I do is give one paragraph for her, one for him, and one for the story question. "This is what she wants, but.." "This is what he wants, but..." "Can he convince her to___ before time runs out?" That's terrible, but you get the idea.
Hope this helps! I hate writing blurbs. They make me want to pull my hair out. Best thing that ever happened to me was getting with a house that wrote it for me! lol Good luck!
Ugh. Forgive the typos. I read it over. I swear. lol
DeleteLOL! No worries about typos. That's what I like about blogs and email--> no three rounds of editing, plus galleys.
DeleteThank you so much for adding your opinion. It all helps!
This book is the second book of the series, so I was intentionally a bit vague. I don't want people to read the blurb of this book and have it give major spoilers for book 1 (Shift Happens), so I wrote it assuming they read the first book. Looking at it from your POV though, I can totally see what you mean. Might stew on this aspect for a bit.
Side notes: this book is already contracted, and is more Urban Fantasy than Paranormal Romance, although there are strong romantic elements involved. It's all first person POV.
I'm with you - I hate writing blurbs too.
ReplyDeleteI like revision #2 best J.C. Just a few things. I think you could just say multiple animals, instead of multiple animal shapes.
The rogue entity line still feels off. Maybe "But when supes start mysteriously dropping like flies" or something along those lines?
Also - it sounds like you've got multiple sources of danger. I'm wondering if you could get a good tag line out of that... something about "sometimes the greatest danger comes from within".
Hope that's helpful. Good job - and enjoyed the real-time feedback/watching you at work behind the scenes.
Thanks Abigail! Great feedback. Thank you! I like your recommendations and will try to implement them :-)
DeleteAs a complete newbie I know nothing, but I do agree with Joanne on the POV. Does Wick have a voice in this story? If so, I'd like to read more about him in the blurb - But that's just my preference as a reader. I also enjoy the male POV.
ReplyDeleteI learned so much from reading this blog. Thank you for putting this out there.
I wish I had some wisdom to impart, but as I said I'm a newbie. Oh, but the line about the bedazzled thong caught my eye.
Wick doesn't have a POV in this series. It's more UF than paranormal romance. I like reading and writing g the male POV and have done so in a short story that will be released later this year. Unfortunately, no voice for Wick!
DeleteAnd I may have one book published, but I'm still a new as well. I feel I struggle the most with this part of the process!
And I love the bedazzled thong line. It's one of my favorites in the book, but it is in the book, so if it's not the right fit for the blurb , it's okay :-)
DeleteUpdate posted. Revision #3 is included in the post now
ReplyDeleteI like number three. It's closer. There's two things as a reader I'm still confused about--what's at stake for her (why is her inner beast getting out a bad thing?--you tell us when you listed out what her GMC is, but it's not in the blurb) and who Wick is. I was always told don't assume readers have read book one. You may gain a lot of readers who come in at book two. So, call me crazy, but when you listed out what her GMC is? I like that better. It gives me a better sense of the story. It could honestly work as a blurb with a little rephrasing here and there.
DeleteOh, and I do like the bedazzled thong line, but it honestly made me stop and go, "what?" Which could be good or bad.
Okay, I'm avoiding editing my playing with yours instead. Back to editing for me. I think you're closer!
Thanks Joanne! I think I'm closer, too! I like the idea of putting who Wick is in the blurb, but he's hard to define in terms of what he means to Andy, he's a love interest, the man she cares for, but boyfriend is misleading, mate is not correct (yet), and werewolf alpha downplays his significance to her. Hmmm maybe mate-hopeful, or potential mate...hmmm
DeleteBack to mulling over things!
Thanks for taking and editing break to help me out ;-)
Hi JC
ReplyDeleteHere's my two cents worth (first paragraph only)
What do you do, when the greatest danger lies within you?
Shape-shifter Andy McNeilly keeps a leash on All-Things-Weird in Vancouver, but when a master vampire demands payback, the life of her werewolf lover is threatened and supernaturals start dying all around her, she struggles for control. To top it all off her inner-kitty purrs for another man. All this conflict awakens a fera hidden deep beneath all her other forms, an animal whose anger and brutality rivals none, a beast she’s never learned to control.
Good luck
I love all the comments and dialogue about this btw.
Great feedback! Thanks Jo-Ann. I like the added intrigue/conflict about the beast and not knowing how to control it!
DeleteRevised blurb #4 added to the end of the post :-)
ReplyDeleteI like it. Your voice is getting stronger in it.
ReplyDeleteThe one part I hate is "...though it may not matter."
Cheers
Thanks. I'll play around with that line. I agree something's off :-)
DeleteI like "en masse" over "in numbers." I like alliteration, too, though. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm still partial to revision #3 for that matter.
Thanks Jacci. I love the en masse suggestion. I'll keep it in mind if I am under the 150 limit. I ended up cutting the. "In numbers" altogether in the latest version to stay under the limit.
Delete#3, eh? Good to know ;-)
I like #3. The last sentence before "And she is pissed." would be a good opening hook, imo.
ReplyDeleteNice! Thanks for commenting Ilona :-)
DeleteHi J.C.! I posted twice the other day but it looks like it didn't take it. :( At any rate, after re-reading, I like the last blurb, Update #6, revised #4. :) And I LOVED Shift Happens. Finished it last night and can hardly wait for the next one. I hope it comes out soon! :)
ReplyDeletehanks Karilyn! For your advice and for liking Shift Happens! I'm sorry blogger was being fussy. And yes, I wholeheartedly blame blogger. I can do no blogging wrong! (note sarcasm). I hope Beast Coast comes out soon, too! I'm expecting the galley, release date and cover picture any day now!! The anticipation is killing me!
Delete