The blurb rip!
I loved everyone's comments, critiques and feedback for my blurb last week, that I decided to throw up my next blurb for the firing squad. I think this one is *a bit* better, but I'm not liking how I've ended the first two paragraphs.
As with all TWRP blurbs, this has to stay under 150 words.
Here it is (146 words; 150 is the max)
******************************************************************************
Notes:
This is a short story paranormal romance, in third person POV
Willa Eklund's GMC:
G - to find out what happened to her missing aunt and run her bookstore in her absence
M - she loves her aunt, she hates the rest of her family, her previous breakup left her broken and she needs to escape
C - mysterious stranger may have the answers she needs, but despite her attraction to him, she doesn't trust him (external). Plus, she lacks the self confidence to assert her opinions/concerns (internal)
Lon Devlin's GMC
G - to find out what happened to his missing friend
M - his friend is the only human who knows about his nature and he cares for her
C - his friend's niece may have the answers he needs, but despite his attraction to her, he doesn't trust her (external). Plus, he doesn't want to reveal his nature, because if he does, he loses his supernatural freedom as a Tempest and has to bind his life to her(internal)
(note: Willa's aunt discovered Lon's nature through other means, so that's why he's not bound to her. I don't want to confuse readers in the blurb with this level of detail though)
******************************************************************************
Great feedback everyone! Here's my revised blurb.
Revised #1 (146 words, max = 150)
After her fiancé dumps her and her beloved Aunt Jenny goes missing, Willa Eklund travels to Lobster Cove with a broken heart to search for her aunt and run her bookstore. When a mysterious man visits the Shucker's Booktique on a stormy night drenched in rain and covered in mud, Willa's heart melts under his stormy gaze. She wants Lon and the answers he may have, but he also has a secret.
Lon Devlin is a Tempest, a water sprite who can only take a human form during stormy nights. He rides the waves, lives by the tides, and nothing can hold him down. When he visits one of his dearest friends, he discovers she's missing and her intriguing niece has taken her place. Willa may prove to be the anchor for Lon's soul, but will he sacrifice his most precious gift to be with her?
Revised #2 (136 words, max = 150)
After her fiancé dumps her and her beloved Aunt Jenny goes missing, Willa Eklund travels to Lobster Cove with a broken heart to search for her aunt and run her bookstore. When a mysterious man visits the Shucker's Booktique on a stormy night drenched in rain and covered in mud, Willa's heart melts under his stormy gaze. She wants Lon and the answers he may have, but he also has a secret.
Lon Devlin is a Tempest, a water sprite who can only take a human form during stormy nights. He rides the waves, lives by the tides, and nothing can hold him down. When he visits one of his dearest friends, he discovers she's missing and her intriguing niece has taken her place. He wants Willa, but he also wants answers. What happened to Jenny?
******************************************************************************
I'm still not 100% about the endings of each paragraph...but I'm happier with them than before :-)
As with all TWRP blurbs, this has to stay under 150 words.
Here it is (146 words; 150 is the max)
After her beloved Aunt Jenny goes missing, Willa travels to Lobster Cove to run her aunt’s bookstore. On a stormy night, a mysterious man visits the Shucker’s Booktique. He’s drenched in rain and covered with mud, but nothing’s more powerful than the impact of his storm gray eyes on her heart. But Lon could be responsible for her aunt’s disappearance.
Lon Devlin is a Tempest, a water sprite who can only take on a human form during stormy nights. He rides the waves, lives by the tides, and nothing can hold him down. When he goes to visit one of his dearest friends, he discovers she’s missing and her gorgeous niece has taken her place. But Willa could be responsible for her aunt’s disappearance.
Before Willa and Lon can fall into each other’s arms, they must first solve the mystery of what happened to Willa’s Aunt.
******************************************************************************
Notes:
This is a short story paranormal romance, in third person POV
Willa Eklund's GMC:
G - to find out what happened to her missing aunt and run her bookstore in her absence
M - she loves her aunt, she hates the rest of her family, her previous breakup left her broken and she needs to escape
C - mysterious stranger may have the answers she needs, but despite her attraction to him, she doesn't trust him (external). Plus, she lacks the self confidence to assert her opinions/concerns (internal)
Lon Devlin's GMC
G - to find out what happened to his missing friend
M - his friend is the only human who knows about his nature and he cares for her
C - his friend's niece may have the answers he needs, but despite his attraction to her, he doesn't trust her (external). Plus, he doesn't want to reveal his nature, because if he does, he loses his supernatural freedom as a Tempest and has to bind his life to her(internal)
(note: Willa's aunt discovered Lon's nature through other means, so that's why he's not bound to her. I don't want to confuse readers in the blurb with this level of detail though)
******************************************************************************
Great feedback everyone! Here's my revised blurb.
Revised #1 (146 words, max = 150)
After her fiancé dumps her and her beloved Aunt Jenny goes missing, Willa Eklund travels to Lobster Cove with a broken heart to search for her aunt and run her bookstore. When a mysterious man visits the Shucker's Booktique on a stormy night drenched in rain and covered in mud, Willa's heart melts under his stormy gaze. She wants Lon and the answers he may have, but he also has a secret.
Lon Devlin is a Tempest, a water sprite who can only take a human form during stormy nights. He rides the waves, lives by the tides, and nothing can hold him down. When he visits one of his dearest friends, he discovers she's missing and her intriguing niece has taken her place. Willa may prove to be the anchor for Lon's soul, but will he sacrifice his most precious gift to be with her?
Revised #2 (136 words, max = 150)
After her fiancé dumps her and her beloved Aunt Jenny goes missing, Willa Eklund travels to Lobster Cove with a broken heart to search for her aunt and run her bookstore. When a mysterious man visits the Shucker's Booktique on a stormy night drenched in rain and covered in mud, Willa's heart melts under his stormy gaze. She wants Lon and the answers he may have, but he also has a secret.
Lon Devlin is a Tempest, a water sprite who can only take a human form during stormy nights. He rides the waves, lives by the tides, and nothing can hold him down. When he visits one of his dearest friends, he discovers she's missing and her intriguing niece has taken her place. He wants Willa, but he also wants answers. What happened to Jenny?
******************************************************************************
I'm still not 100% about the endings of each paragraph...but I'm happier with them than before :-)
I really like it, but as you know I don't have a ton of experience.
ReplyDeleteThanks Marlow! Every opinion counts. :-)
DeleteIt's good, but what about adding a few more words to the last sentences in the first two paragraphs. Also, for some reason, the word "But" to start off the last line in both sentences isn't grabbing me. What if you used, "Yet," or some other word to tie it in? Just my "two cents." I just saw my blurb for my second book and shuddered. Needs more work, lol!
ReplyDeleteGreat points! I'll have a go at trying that. I'm already pretty much at my max for word count, but I'm trying new things with those trailing sentences on the first two paragraphs :-)
DeleteA good blurb but a couple of things strike me. You say "But Lon could be responsible for her aunt's disappearance" and later "But Willa could be responsible for her aunt's disappearance." I get that they don't trust each other. Why? What leads each of them to this conclusion? I need a little something to base this on. Did the Aunt leave an incriminating letter? Also, before they can fall into each other's arms, I'm thinking they need to be the same species! I was intrigued by your notes about Lon not being able to reveal his nature or he'd lose his supernatural powers. I'd play this up a little. In order to have the woman he loves he must sacrifice his most precious gift. What better way for him to prove his love and trust. Just my two cents. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThank your for stopping by and commenting Jana. I agree with you regarding the vagueness of my conflict. I love your suggestion and have worked something similar into Lon's paragraph.
DeleteFirst off, you already know I love this story concept and your characters!!!!
ReplyDeleteBoth comments above give great suggestions, and Janna actually asked my initial "why" questions, so I won't repeat. I would like a hint more of the story line/romance than just their suspicions to tease me. But what do I know? Even as an editor I was horribly horrible at blurbs! LOL All I will add is that I don't think you need to use Willa's name twice in the final line. Maybe use Jenny's name since you already tell us who that is? Also, you won't want to say "Aunt" Jenny in that case (assuming you change it per suggestion) since she's not Lon's aunt.
Hi Calisa!! I miss your voice on the LC loop. I was so sad to hear you decided to focus on other projects. I know you would've rocked that book! But I totally get it. I agree with your advice wholeheartedly. I attempted to rework them and beef up the romance. Thanks for stopping by and offering your help! All my best :-)
DeleteRevised #1 and 2 are up...what do you think?
ReplyDelete